“There was this other one that didn’t have any clasps, it was held together with magnets. Yeah fucking right. If your bra has a tag on it that says you shouldn’t wear it if you have a pacemaker because it could kill you…maybe you should try some other method of holding the bra closed. Like clasps.”—My friend Monique on bra shopping at Victoria’s Secret
I love all these ads and books for “the art of picking up women.” I’m coming across a lot of them lately. Besides the fact that they’re incredibly misogynistic (and hilarious), they’re also pretty sad and pathetic.
I really don’t see how any of these would ever work. If they do work, the men are probably naturally good looking or incredibly charming in the first place. If you need to read a book or online article on how to manipulate charm women you probably aren’t going to have much luck.
I think what bothers me most about these “methods” is that they view women like puppets you can manipulate or hypnotize into wanting you, regardless of whether or not they’re attracted to you. Attraction isn’t a choice. And I’m pretty sure all of these are written without actually consulting any actual women.
How about, you know, acting like yourself. And then if a woman clearly doesn’t want to talk to you, back the fuck off. Obviously I don’t have a direct knowledge of heterosexual dynamics, but I certainly spend a lot of time with women. I feel you would have better luck with women if you treated them like human beings instead of objects you try to control and manipulate. You know, with respect.
I am so sick and tired of this squabbling within the community of what is expected of gay men.
I fucking hate people who say the Pride Parade sets us back. That the mainstream scene with clubs and drag queens are a negative stereotype. That the ‘femme’ gays give the community a bad rap. I consider myself to be quite femme. And I don’t think I’m setting anyone back. It’s your lack of acceptance of your gay brothers that set us back.
I hate the term “straight acting”. There is no such fucking thing as being straight acting. To be straight acting, you have to be straight. You’re just terrified of strangers second guessing your heterosexual mask. It’s perfectly fine to be ‘butch’ and not be visibly queer. But calling yourself straight acting is self hatred. Because you have some sort of problem with your sexuality, you’re terrified if people knowing outside of the community.
It also bothers me when people say someone is a bad gay because they don’t frequent clubs, follow fashion or know who Bernadette Peters is (although if you don’t you’re really missing out).
There is no right or wrong way to be gay, whether you’re butch, femme, in between or on the outside. The only thing that makes you gay is being attracted to men.
We need to end this stupid debate. It only prevents us from moving forward. We need it to end for those who fought for us to live freely as we do now. We need to end it so we can continue to fight together.
And most importantly, we need it to end for the young and closeted who see this debate online and are even more scared to be themselves because they’re scared they don’t meet some sort of ridiculous gay standard.
If anything, the only right way to be gay is to give your time and/or money to a cause that helps others accept and take care of themselves, because we know on the other side how liberating and comforting that is.